Part of me wants to throw myself into the deep end of recovery, and another part of me just doesn’t give a shit anymore. I just want to stay in bed or sit in my chair and rot away. I’m trying to think about my kids and husband for motivation, but as terrible as this sounds, I shamefully admit that I’m too apathetic to even be motivated by them right now. I feel like lasting stability will never happen for me. Why keep trying? Why keep fighting so painfully hard? I’ll always fall right back to this place. There’s just no fucking use.

I’m sorry. I thought I was in a place that I could start a blog about hope and awareness, but I was dead wrong. I thought I could be a voice for people suffering, but I can’t even whisper for myself.

12 thoughts on “Recovery.

  1. I feel this way all the time too. it’s so confusing how contradicting thoughts and goals around recovery or not recovering can be from day to day, or even hour to hour…. Don’t be sorry for struggling and not being able to write with the hope and inspiration that you originally planned to right now. It’s Ok that you’re struggling, For me (and I’m sure many others too) it’s not only reading about positive and uplifting things that helps get me through and encourages me to try to recover, it can also be comforting to see that we’re not alone and there are other people out there who struggle with similar things.

    I say if it helps you to write things here, the good AND the bad, go for it! write for you not just for the people reading!!


  2. You dig in and find a jewel in the word….you are worth far more than a sparrow -you know the scripture, if God keeps tabs on them, how much more He cares for you. I know you might wonder, “then where is He? Why does He allow me to suffer so badly!” That is tough to answer but we don’t live in heaven yet, there will be suffering on this earth, but He PROMISES to never leave us or forsake us, so He is at your finger tips, just reach out to him and i know without a doubt He will comfort you and see you through this. He also says that our pian and suffering in turn will be used to comfort others. Down the road when you have come further in your journey and are in a more stable and better place, you will have opportunity to touch those that are going through a similar ordeal as yours. You will know how to reach out and make a difference for them. Much better than someone like me who has no clue! You are loved, and being covered in a lot of prayer and are cherished by us and i hope you can grab on to that and run a little further. I’m so proud of how far you have come and that you are cleaning out your hidden places so recovery can be real. That is working on recovery! You are doing it! Love, mom

  3. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt the same exact way as you depict so well in such a brief post, most recently I felt that way just a couple weeks ago….it’s going to change for you. It will. You’re going to get better. I will have you in my thoughts today. What changed it for me most recently was yet another med., I think – I’m not sure yet. And feeling better can disappear in five minutes, of course. Anyway, sorry to babble…. I haven’t read your archives yet – I’m not sure if you are taking meds and/or seeing a shrink etc., but please know you are so not alone. I’m proud of you for writing about it. I couldn’t even do that for so long.

  4. I want to add that I tried going the no-med route last spring and relapsed. I know I’ll come across as one who sounds like she drinks the Big Pharma kool-aid, but what changed around my deep-seated, suicidal depression two months ago was taking an MAOI med called Parnate/tranycypromine. It’s known as a “last-resort” drug for treatment-resistant depression. I have bipolar one and it’s an anti-depressant, but my pdoc thought it was worth a try. The pill requires some food and alcohol restrictions, but it was worth it to me as I had no hope. I had tried over 20 meds and had ECT and nothing ever worked for me. This pill got rid of my depression in two days. For most people who respond it takes a few weeks – it’s worth considering, anyway.

    • I’m actually on Parnate right now, as well as Lamictal and Seroquel XR. The Parnate was a miracle drug at first. It pulled me out of a very stubborn depression. But I guess it’s just not working for me anymore. I fell into a depression for awhile and went up to 60mg daily, and that helped for a little bit, but then things got even worse. And it makes me very dizzy, affects my hearing, and worst of all makes me extremely tachycardic. I want off of it. So tomorrow I see my psych and we’ll see what we can figure out. I’m considering ECT.

  5. I should have added in my last post that I’ve been taking Parnate in combo. with lithium and that those two meds together were found in two studies from the 1970’s to work a lot better than Parnate alone. Two weeks ago, after having evil insomnia, I added Seroquel for that and it may be the reason my depression really lifted – I’m a walking pharmacy. I had ECT done in 2009 after my Dad, who was my best friend and who also had bp one, died a horrible death. ECT totally helped me for a while but then my depression returned. If I had to do that over again, I would. I did not keep up the treatments going as long as I should have due to logistics, finances and family support. It is worth considering and I actually enjoyed my ECT treatments! I’m not happy with whatever the long-term effects will be, but I stay away from ECT negatrons and anti-ECT books and I believe that our brains can heal from just about anything except perhaps smushing them. Good luck tomorrow and let us know how it goes! I admire you so much for your bravery. It takes a helluva lots of guts to consider ECT. You rock.

    • Thank you so much, I can’t even tell you how much that means to me. I’ve been having crazy insomnia so I might need to up my Seroquel, or maybe add the “regular” Seroquel back. I was on both the XR and the regular release to help me sleep, but it knocked me out completely and I was paranoid about my kids waking up or something happening and sleeping through it. But I was also on Klonopin so maybe it was just that combo. Now that I’m off of that it’s worth exploring I suppose. Obviously I’m no good without sleep so I need to do something for that. I don’t know, I just hope we can figure something out. I think I’m going to mention ECT to my pdoc tomorrow. I’m not sure what his stance is on that. I’ve considered it before but I’ve heard that it can cause really bad memory loss, which I already have from both my ptsd and also being a walking pharmacy. If my pdoc has a suggestion for meds I’ll probably try that before going to ECT. But it is an option that I’ve kept tucked away in my mind for awhile now.

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