I pushed myself too hard. I knew I was overwhelmed, but I wanted to be good so badly that I kept going and going. I ignored everything in my mind and body telling me; screaming at me to step back.
So I cracked.
On the 24th, Josh went to do some work for his grandma. He ended up being later than he intended and the kids were getting up from their naps. I was feeling really anxious, so I took an Ativan. That night, we went out for my birthday (which was the next day) and I had some drinks. On the way home, I finally told Josh everything that had been boiling over and I just lost it. I told him that I couldn’t handle it. Everything just spilled out. It ended with Josh taking me to the hospital.
So by 9am on the 25th (happy birthday to me! ha. ha.) I was admitted to the psych unit. I hadn’t really slept all night because I was in the ER. I found out my psychiatrist was the one on call, so I was really happy about that. I was extremely tired when we talked and kept falling asleep, but we managed to decide on a med change that we had been considering for awhile (dropping the Seroquel) and he was just going to let me rest in the hospital and see how that affected me.
And then it all went to shit.
The next day, the hospital’s psychiatrist was in because it was no longer the weekend (my psychiatrist only works on call for the hospital on weekends). I was feeling better; at least, not suicidal, and looking forward to being able to discuss this with the doctor. When I was finally able to see him, he asked about my diagnoses and wanted me to complete a “mood questionnaire”. I told him that I was diagnosed years ago and have been working steadily with Dr. Berger for over a year with my bipolar diagnoses. He said, “Right, well I haven’t diagnosed with you with anything, so fill this out.” Very rudely. So I checked yes to every stupid “have you ever felt…” question. I shit you not, he said, “It appears you have bipolar disorder.” Gold star for you, Dr. Douchebag! He then proceeded to tell me that the medication Dr. Berger had me on did not work for bipolar disorder and wanted to take me off of them. Every time I argued with him, he treated me like an idiot and then began treating me like I was being non compliant. Everything I said was disregarded. He eventually just stood up and ushered me out of the room.
I have worked my ass off to get where I am at. Is it perfect? Obviously not. But it’s a whole hell of a lot better than where I was. I had a lapse. I momentary breakdown. And he wanted to take me off the medication that halted my rapid cycling and put me back on a medication that made me a zombie. I immediately requested to speak with a nurse. I told her that I wanted to leave AMA, which I could do because I was a voluntary admit. She informed me that if I left AMA, my insurance would not cover my stay. One day in that place is $3400. But I had to make the best decision for my health. And those med changes would have fucked up my brain. I couldn’t let that happen. So I decided to move forward with the AMA discharge.
Before I could leave, I had to speak with a social worker who would also speak with Josh and Dr. Berger and Dr. Baquero (AKA Dr. Douchbag later known as Dr. Oneflewoverthecuckoosnest) to determine whether or not I was a danger to myself. If I was, I obviously would not be able to leave. When she sat down to discuss everything with me, it was very obvious that she disagreed with the doctor’s decisions. She told me when I requested the AMA form to also request a complaint form. So she asked me all of these questions and it went well, and she talked to Josh and Dr. Berger who both believed I should be released… but at the end she told me something that knocked the wind out of me. She said something very close to, “I do want you to know that I believe you are okay to leave, but Dr. Baquero believes you are faking being better and believes you should be involuntarily committed, perhaps past the 72 hours, which would result in a court trial. I’ll do what I can but his opinion holds more water because he is the doctor here in the hospital.”
I don’t know if he didn’t like that I disagreed with him, or if he had some issue with Dr Berger, but this mother fucker was trying to ruin my life. He also put it in my record that I “abuse Ativan” because I took ONE Ativan when I was feeling anxious (which is what I told him). I was prescribed 20 Ativan on January 9 and took my last one on May 24. If that’s abusing Ativan… tell me, how does one use it correctly?
So I had to sit in the psych ward for hours, in fear that I was going to lose my rights, be locked up, and have my medication changed on me. It was literally terrifying. I did not deserve that. It was ruled that by law they could not hold me, and I am home now, but I am still really shook up. It was honestly traumatic.
So that’s the story of my 22nd birthday.
I’m not letting this go; I’m not letting this asshole do this to someone else. He’s controlling and evil and I think that’s why he works in this field. He messed with the wrong crazy, er, “different” girl.