Do you ever have something that you know needs to be done, and the longer you go without doing it, the more daunting it gets, so you keep putting it off, and it just becomes a cycle?
Yeah. That’s been this blog.
But here I am. Trying to figure out where to start.
So when I was last (sporadically) updating, I was not in a good place. For a while, I was in a mixed state/rapid cycling. Basically, I was experiencing both hypomania and depression at the same time, or bouncing between the two very quickly. This is a very dangerous place to be. But my pdoc put me on a new mood stabilizer and that leveled me out to a relatively better place of just being depressed. But then that when on and on and on…
It’s so incredibly hard to not feel hopeless. When each and every day I’m merely existing. When I’m simply preforming the necessary functions to remain alive, but I’m not living. Every day when I woke up, I felt like I was just waiting to go back to bed. Every single day. When every day is like that, it’s hard to keep fighting, even when you are surrounded by people you love; people you are supposed to be fighting for.
I can’t tell you when, because dates are irrelevant when you’re sick, but at some point the newest antidepressant that I tried started working. I started feeling better. I got off of the couch and played with my kids. I smiled and laughed and took a damn shower. The first few days were slow; I felt a little stronger each morning. But from then on it was like I just snapped into my old self. Josh actually thought I was hypomanic at first because he hadn’t seen me like that in so long. We were watchful of that, because antidepressants can do that, but that wasn’t the case. I was just feeling really damn good.
Unfortunately, there was a down side. The combination of meds made me extremely tired. I slept about 14 hours a night, and was still pretty tired during the day. Obviously, there was no way I could take care of Laney and Rory while sleeping that much and being that tired. It was beyond frustrating to finally be out of the depression and not able to be back in “mommy mode”. I was still dealing with some anxiety and getting overwhelmed really easily, but I felt like those were things I could work through if only I wasn’t so bloody tired all of the time.
After a while, my mom and I sat down and had a discussion about where we both were at. We decided together that I needed to take on the afternoons as she needed to be home with her family during that time. So I jumped into that. It wasn’t easy, but having a two year old and a one year old isn’t easy for anyone. And she was still coming over on the mornings that Josh worked, so that helped immeasurably, because waking up early was near impossible with my medication. Some days were harder than others.
So that brings things up to about a week ago. I was having a really rough time. Every afternoon was difficult. I was exhausted. I felt like I was barely hanging on. So it was about midnight, and I was watching TV, and I felt God tell me that it was time to take my home back. Fully. I was hardly handling the afternoons, and now God was telling me to start waking up in the mornings with the kids! So I prayed. I asked God for the strength, and then it hit me: I don’t need to ask Him, I need to know that He will give it to me. So I turned off the TV, I went to bed, and I thanked Him for giving me the strength to do something that I would have thought a mere hour ago was impossible. But if you also would have asked me what the biggest desire of my heart was, I would have said to be able to be the mom that I know I am on the inside. And God was giving that to me. How awesome is that?!
So the next morning, my alarm goes off, and I’m tired. It’s early for me. So I sit up and grab the Jesus Calling devotions book off of my nightstand. I had never read a devotion from this book even though I’ve had it for a long time. I lost it for quite awhile, but I had just cleaned my room and found it, and placed it on my nightstand. So I thought reading it would be a good way to wake up.
Here is what the devotion was for May 14, the next morning after this conversation with God:
I AM A MIGHTY GOD. Nothing is too difficult for Me. I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes. Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power. Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the days demands against your strength. What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources. When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic. Remember that I am with you. Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.
I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.
Yeah. Pretty amazing. I can’t say it’s been perfect; the last two days I’ve been really exhausted. But overnight I went from barely being able to handle a few hours to handling the entire day. It’s not easy, but that’s not unique to being a mom with bipolar disorder. I just have some extra hardships. And I’m not going to focus on the fact that this isn’t my first post with a happy ending…yeah, it might all go to shit again. But today, it’s not. I’m living in the now, and the now is good.