I’m losing it.

My brain is foggy. It’s full of noise and objects that keep bouncing around like a pinball, and it’s occupying all of my time and energy. My dreams, daydreams, and reality all seem so equally ridiculous that they blur together, and at times I’m not sure what has actually happened and what hasn’t. My thoughts are stampeding through my head so quickly that I don’t have enough time to examine them. I’m so fucking tired, but the white noise in my head is keeping me awake at night; like trying to sleep with someone screaming in your ear. If I can shut that up, the bullet train of thoughts about nothing and everything keeps me awake. It’s like watching a foreign film in hyper speed. During the day my thoughts are just as fast but my body is a slug. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with myself. Then there’s this whole rest-of-the-world business, which of course slows down for no one.

I read an article today about the “starving artist” appeal of accessorizing with a mental disorder. Perhaps I’m missing the sex appeal.

5 thoughts on “I’m losing it.

  1. The “appeal” of “accessorizing” with a mental disorder?
    You have got to be shitting me. There’s nothing fun about this.
    At all.
    I’m so sorry Kari. Is there anything your friends can do to help?

    • Yeah… It’s a goddamn illness, not a badge to showcase a deeper level of creativity. It’s a bit of a debate in the mental health community, but for me personally… I’d have it ripped from my brain in a heartbeat if I could. And I’m very blessed with the people in my life who are all always there for me when I need them.

      • Creativity may be a key to escaping the prison this thing puts us in, but it’s not like… “oh I need to write poetry, think I’ll get a mental illness to help with that.”

      • I agree. For me and many, many others, art is an outlet and an expression of emotions where words in a conversational sense fail. I think people feel that their art is more legitimate if it comes from a place of pain, which is where that mentality stems from. When in reality, if it isn’t honest, it’s obvious to many and it cheapens it. And it’s pretty damn offensive to people who aren’t suffering for the sake of anything. They’re just suffering. Did any of that make an ounce of sense?

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