Depression? Mania? A side of both, please.

I’m in a mixed state.

Cool.

I hate this. I hate hate haaaaaaate mixed states. I just want to crawl out of my skin. My last mixed state landed my ass in the psych ward for a 72 hold. 

I just want to be able to function. I’m okay with the ups and downs and the pills and whatever. I mean, I’m not okay with it, but I can accept it. If I could ever just get to the point that I could take the things this bitch of an illness throws at me without being knocked to the ground.

How am I going to finish school? How am I going to keep a job? How can I do anything if I crumble into uselessness whenever I hit a bad episode?

If there is an answer, can someone just please fucking tell me already?

One another note, I think I might go back to residential. I need to finish what I started at Timberline Knolls. What I wasn’t ready to do back then. I’m ready now, and I really think I need to take that step. But as much love as I have for TK, like hell I’m going all the way back to Chicago. So I’m looking into this place in Edmonds, WA. It’s not very far from where I live. 

I also want to go to school this quarter, which starts January 6 and ends in March. So I might go in March. I don’t know.

I’m just going to get through the holidays and then figure it all out, I guess.

Merry effin Christmas!

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